


not in the same way.

by castawaypitch



Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [2]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Carry On Countdown 2020 (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown Day 2, Distance, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, after a fight, but they're so in love, they're both idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:15:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27705409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castawaypitch/pseuds/castawaypitch
Summary: Day 2: Distance"Rip my heart out and leaveOn the floor, watch me bleedI love you, you love meBut not in the same way"
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026276
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	not in the same way.

I think I'm losing Simon Snow.

_But, there was a time when he was really mine?_

I'm sitting on my car, in front of his building. I look at the watch in my wrist, and is 3am.

I've really fucked up everything.

We've been distanced for a while now. When I’m on his place he barely talks to me, or even look at me. Always too busy on our own sadness to even look at each other. And when sadness is gone, here comes the angry, or the passion (sometimes they come together; is not a good combination). It seems like the only thing that keep us together is the desire, to touch each other, to forget all the unsolved things and the painful secrets for a few hours, inside a bed.

I'm drunk enough to not be able to drive myself to my flat, but I wasn't supposed to leave, actually. I was supposed to spend the night with Snow, both sleepless under his sheets, with a few hickeys more on my neck. Not like this, with my cheeks wet of crying, and my heart breaking a bit more inside my chest.

My head is killing me, playing over again the memories of the past hours, the mess is getting a very painful torture.

I still don't know when we broke us like this. Don't know when things got really fucked, and now we might be in a no-return point.

The last sight he gave me, before shouting at me, demanding me to leave his flat, is hurting my chest like it is a stake. Is hard to believe that, the same eyes that used to look at me with full adoration, now are covered in a dark mixture of pain and hate. Hate for me, hate for himself, hate for the whole world.

Snow has always thought I'm bulletproof —actually I'm kind of, they can hurt me like would hurt another person, because I'm not _exactly_ a person. He thinks his words can't curt me, intentionally or not. My heart can't beat, but that doesn't mean I'm not sensitive.

I look at the mirror again, seeing the disaster I've become: my shirt is still unbuttoned, my shoes are unlaced, and my hair looks terrible. I have a small love bite on my neck, Snow made it while he was whispering at my ear how much he desired me, at the time his hands were trying to unbutton my jeans.

I dry laugh come out of my throat. I was the only one who dived myself into misery. Because I can't say "no" to him, because I've never told him my feelings, because I've never really told him how much I love him. Because I never apologized for all the years of rivalry and unsolved things. Because his smile, as bright as the sun, makes me so fucking weak.

Right now, I could back to his flat. Trap him against the door, kissing him until we both forget why we were mad at each other. And instead of taking him to his room, I’d make him sit with me in the couch, and I’d make him listen to the for the first time in his life. I could solve all of our problems, I could break all the walls around us, if he lets me talk.

Except I can’t. Something tells me he’s finally going to figure out why we’re perfectly wrong for each other. That we were never meant to be together.

And I don’t know if my weak would be able to bear it.

I turn out the car, finally decided I’m leaving, but when I try to move forward my vision blurs, and I realize —again— how stupid is everything.

Feeling stupidly brave for a moment, I get out of the car. My drunk-self has decided is going to talk with Simon (or spend the night under his sheets, what gets better).

I don’t even bother to button up my shirt while I go up the four floors to his flat. I hesitate for a moment when I get to the door. _I'm still on time to turn back and forget this night._

But I don’t. I open the door, finding Simon laying on the sofa; his arms are covering his face, he hasn’t noticed I came back. In the silence, I can hear him crying.

I move beside him, touching his arm softly, before I whisper the words that could kill me. “Snow? I think- we need to talk.”

Simon gets up so fast he almost trips over his own feet. My reflects act first, holding him by the waist, keeping him from falling. When he straightens, I look into his eyes. But I don’t find the hate I found before, all I find now is pain.

My heart hurts, and I can’t help but kiss him. The distance between us disappears in a rough kiss. I’m crying again —we both are, and the tears run down our faces. My hands reach his cheeks, taking all his tears away. He’s warm, and I’m cold. _We used to match._

Whatever we have -our relationship, our false rivalry, our game- can’t be fixed, and it doesn’t matter how much we try, the only thing we know how to do is hurt each other, even if we don’t want to. I love him, and I know he loves me, but not in the same way. 

I just want a little more of this, of us, of him. A last gaze, a last kiss, a last night.

Simon’s hands go to my bare chest, taking my shirt away again. He takes me back to his room, and never stops kissing me. He knows too, that this is our last time.

* * *

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I see is Simon laying on my chest, staring at the open window. I gasp, letting him know I’m awake. He stays like that a few more seconds, and then sits up on his bed, staring at me now. The sun kisses his golden skin, and he looks like an angel. My heart sinks when I remember this is the last time I’ll wake up like this.

He makes a first attempt to talk, but the words don't get out of his mouth, and it takes him a few seconds to try it again.

“I’ve been thinking about what you told me last night.”

I told him a lot of things last night. I told him how much I love him, that he is the only one who can make my heart feel alive. I also told him I was tired of his shit, and that I didn’t know what else could I do with him. I was an absolute prick.

He notices the uncertainty in my face, because talks again before I could say something. “We _really_ need to talk. About _everything._ ”

_Oh._ I prop on my elbow, still staring at him. Now covered with sunlight, and without alcohol running through my veins, my bravery has gone away. I don’t feel able to end up our story. The only thing I want to do is wrap him with my arms and stay like that for the rest of eternity.

“We are a mess, Baz. We’ve hurt each other so much, and we’ve been full idiots. It almost seems like everything that keep us together once… is gone.”

I can’t handle, so I look away, right to my shirt on the floor, that looks like the most interesting thing right now. Simon’s going to break up with me, and I’ll have to accept it. Even if I don’t want to.

He plays nervous with the blanket on his lap. “And I know is my fault, I’ve been drifting you apart and I’ve kept so many secrets, of things that only hurt us. You only wanted to help me, and I’ve fucked it up.”

I refute him. “No, Simon, is not your fault. If anything, is _my_ fault. I’m an imbecile who doesn’t know to do another thing that’s not hurting you.”

It’s over, that’s what his eyes say. I try to leave his bed, put my clothes back on me and get out of his life, forever. For his well-being, and mine too.

“But things are like they are. I know we shouldn’t be together, but all the love I fell for you makes me want to fix this.” Snow, who’s never been good with words, has now left me speechless. “Last night when we fought and I made you leave I felt like a twat. After a long time I realized we could have fixed this with only talking, but I refused to. And we did it the worst way.”

I look back at him. It’s almost like he did read my mind. “So? Simon, what shall we do?”

His hands look for mine, lacing them together on his lap. I move closer to him. “I want to tell you I’m sorry. All these times I told you I hated you… it was never true, I never felt that way about you. I was just mad with myself, and I hurt you without even noticing.”

Of course I’m going to forgive them. It’s been so many years, loving him on secret. I’ll bring him the moon if he asks me to.

“We should start again, and do things right this time, Simon.” His hair shines with the sunlight. I run my fingers through the curls falling over his forehead. “I’m sorry, too. For telling you I was tired of this. I could never be; you’re the only good thing I have.”

He nods, wrapping me in his arms. I touch softly the warm skin of his back, and kiss his bare shoulder.

Is not like all of our wounds and scars had healed at the moment, but we have a second chance to do things right, and I won’t take it all for granted. I’ll risk it all for him, because I love him, and the only thing I ever wanted is to spend my life beside him, holding his hand the rest of eternity.

His lips brush my ear, and his breath comes warm when he whispers. “I love you, and I can’t let you go so easy.”

Neither can I.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this inspired by [this song](https://open.spotify.com/track/4vFQ269uWJUjUKoffU0qUn?si=7WF4P5L_SqWfa7hzHHVTsg) , hope you like it <3


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